And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. Continue with Recommended Cookies. George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube For twelve dollars. They don't trust one another. Save the planet? Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? You know why? There are battered husbands. 41. I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Stop that! Theres no present. The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. 'Cause chickens are decent people. "Well, it's God's will." We made the whole fucking thing up! We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin, 49. Just like homeless people. They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. You have owners. George Carlin, 84. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? - George Carlin. George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. And that's the problem. People are wonderful one at a time. You're a winner!" Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt! Save the planet? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? What would you call a lady's man, a "person's person"? Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. 25. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't want to hear from you. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Am I right? political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners, Vision of Buddhism: The Space Under the Tree, https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=George_Carlin&oldid=3275017, I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" The planet is fine. So come on in. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. This is the best we can do folks. Really? Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. Fucking is legal. Change His plan? ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. You name the country, we've got the plan. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Oh, my goodness. I love it when it didn't take a, Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. Thats the problem. The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, 83.Theres a reason education sucks, and its the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. With Nina Feldman. His insights on the world of politics were always keen and often quite funny. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. George Carlin Quotes on Politics - LiveAbout You caused the problem. 17. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. We are on a nice downward glide. God? 23. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes . You have no choice. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." -George Carlin Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? Now, you come along, and pray for something. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. It's a Divine Plan. Everyone says they suck. We can afford to cut defense; we cant afford to cut education. Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. Nothing sacred about those things. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. So we keep ourselves limited. And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. Are these people kidding? Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Why would he give us a certain. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. They're privileges. It will not be with jack-boots. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! That was the time I said to a woman, "I hope you get a blister on your cunt.' 28. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. George Carlin was incendiary, he was hilarious, he was often the smartest dude (and biggest smartass) on the block, and he was a national treasure. That's a good combination! Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Simple thing. Thats the only thing. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, 2. It simply does not give a fuck about you! And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. George Carlin Quotes. 10. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Fairly simple thing. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. 13. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. So I say live and let live. 42. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. Call me! And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. Its called fucking with people!. I can't follow the logic on that one at all! I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" Ask an addict. People don't believe that! A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality and its not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin, 68. Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics, "In America, anyone can become president. People are fucking dumb. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. Bullshit is everywhere. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. You know the best thing about necrophilia? Now there is another phrase I dearly love. And you might have noticed something else. No question about it. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! They own everything. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. Something I could really count on. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! On Election Day, I stay home. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? Then he is the victim of an irony. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. It sounds like this: What, they have bigger dicks? 48. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. Who stole my collection of used bandages?! George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still: the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. They dont want to hear from you. They should be more vivid. ""Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. On the radio. It's convenient. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. Isn't that nice? Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away. George Carlin, 77. Thats our history. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." Pack your shit, were goin away. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. Doesnt happen. 7. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! And thenhitting it again! I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down! "All of you over here, you seven? For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. They own everything. Another George Carlin Quote. : Libertarian - Reddit Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. George Carlin, 66. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?, 8. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. 20. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. But once you're born, you're on your own. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! Now I feel better. BREAKING: 100 days . Updated on May 30, 2018. Never argue with an idiot. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. The poor are just there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. The people are fucked.". Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. Not me. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" ", So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. They never mention coffee. My mind doesnt work that way, I got this real moron thing I do, its called thinking and Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions I have certain rules I live by. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. I put a dollar in a change machine. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. Well, they don't want you to get an infection! Because chickens are decent people. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate We earn from qualifying purchases. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." 47. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. And the other two-way word is "prick". Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it! That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. 38. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Go look for consistency in religion. You know? But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. Everybody gets one swing. I'm here to help. Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. Americans love to eat. Happened like that. 31. The Divine Plan. They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. 16. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. George Carlin, 54. Garbage in, garbage out. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin, 64. They own, and control the corporations. Not a word. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? They own you. 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin, 22. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. It's all very confusing. But what's the alternative? You don't have to lie. 14. ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. Its like watching flies fuck! No nothing. And the greatest arrogance of all: "save the planet." I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. 2. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. 11 Profound Quotes on Politics by George Carlin The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. The Trump administration is channeling George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." It has banned seven words and phrases from the Centers for Disease Control and . Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. You never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. People who have large gums and small teeth. It's nothing. The sanctity of life doesnt seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds *vaguely* important! Carlin's most famous piece from 2005 explained the state of the US and why the US government isn't there for the people's interests. Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. If I don't like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. OK? Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, 53. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. They own all the important land. Bashful didn't use drugs. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans.

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